if I can't have you.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Subaru is a cafe in Tokyo and thinking...intoxicated with his thoughts and his helpless feelings...


Disclaimer: X is by Clamp, the awesome four-some. And "If I can't have you" is a disco song by Yvonne Elliman.  
  
If I can't have you. By Miyamoto Yui  
  
I was actually up at 3 am in the morning. You wouldn't have thought so when you knew how I loved to sleep early.  
  
I was healthy. Then.  
  
Well, okay, except for the eating part.  
  
I looked at myself and laughed. I didn't know if I was laughing at the memories, myself, you, or at everything crashing together inside of me. Maybe everything.  
  
I looked outside of the window as the rain had begun to become such a disaster. I thought it was strange. Nature had such a disposition to love me so much. It cried with me.  
  
It showed all the emotions I couldn't.  
  
I was at some lonely corner in Tokyo, Seishirou. Can you believe it? Of course you can. You drove me to this place. You put me here, didn't you?  
  
My hands are folded as I lean my chin upon them. I look like I'm planning something conniving. You'd laugh at me. I know you would. Me? Subaru Sumeragi thinking vindictive thoughts?  
  
"Oh, you must be mistaken. That's the little boy I shattered years ago," you'd think.  
  
I smiled to myself with an anger that wouldn't even want to wake from its sleep. And so I continued to look out the window carefully. Cautiously. With much concentration.  
  
The tears streaming down and it's clouding up because I'm so close to the window. You used to love me being close to you. I used to kiss you on the forehead and you'd either get mad at me or look at me in surprise for doing so.  
  
I remember that day in the rain. Do you remember is what I'd like to know.  
  
I had not seen you for years and yet after that day, I saw you randomly. It was raining like this. I looked down to ignore you. And like the devil you are, you called out my name, "Subaru-kun!"  
  
I tried to turn around and walk away, but there you were. Stunned, I didn't even want to take out my umbrella. I wanted to get drenched that day.  
  
I wanted to get a cold. I was sick. I loved you, didn't I?  
  
Correction: I do love you. Still. Stupid me.  
  
You held out your umbrella to me as if we were good friends who had no time to see one another. Then, you hugged me briefly. "How are you?"  
  
"."  
  
"I'll see you then." You bowed your head.  
  
I didn't say anything. And as I was going to take my first step away from you, you came back. You gave me your umbrella.  
  
You pushed your glasses into my hands. "I always wanted to give these to you."  
  
Sadistic. You are a cruel man. A face and talk so sweet to my ears but daggers into my heart.  
  
And you knew _exactly_ what you were doing. As you always did.  
  
I walked with these things in my hands. Feeling the aura left. "I."  
  
Stupid Subaru. I looked at the umbrella that you had given me. It was the one you used to shelter me in the rain. It even had a little patch that you couldn't really notice. But I always saw things like that.  
  
You. You kept this. This was mine, you dummy.  
  
The glasses. I got them from my trenchcoat and felt them in my fingers. The ones that I had taken out one day so that you could really look at me.  
  
It was the pair I took off at the time I really kissed you. "Look at only me," I had said to you.  
  
I want you back. Everything.  
  
Even if it's all broken like this already.  
  
It was then that I got up from my seat and smiled to myself. To increase the pain, I wanted to feel happy. A paradox right? Nothing ever makes sense when it comes to you.  
  
I wanted to see you again, despite everything.  
  
That's what I had realized when I saw you after nine years. Even if you break me to pieces, Like a fool, I'll come back for more.  
  
But I know. You also do the same.  
  
You can't lie to me, Seishirou. Even if you wanted to. I'll always find out the truth.  
  
I put some money into a music jukebox. One of few in the area. And I put on a song that always reminded me of you,  
  
"Don't know why  
  
I'm survivin' every lonely day  
  
When there's got to be no chance for me  
  
My life would end  
  
And it doesn't matter how I cry  
  
My tears, so far, are a waste of time  
  
If I turn away  
  
Am I strong enough to see it through?  
  
Go crazy is what I will do  
  
If I can't have you  
  
I don't want nobody, baby  
  
If I can't have you...uh-huh, oh  
  
If I can't have you  
  
I don't want nobody, baby  
  
If I can't have you...uh-hoh  
  
Can't let go and it doesn't matter how I try  
  
I gave it all so easily to you my love  
  
To dreams that never will come true  
  
Am I strong enough to see it through?  
  
Go crazy is what I will do  
  
If I can't have you  
  
I don't want nobody, baby  
  
If I can't have you...uh-huh, oh  
  
If I can't have you  
  
I don't want nobody, baby  
  
If I can't have you...uh-hoh  
  
If I can't have you  
  
I don't want nobody, baby  
  
If I can't have you...uh-huh, oh  
  
If I can't have you  
  
I don't want nobody, baby  
  
If I can't have you...uh-hoh  
  
Oh! If I can't have you..."  
  
I sang along and tapped my fingers on the table. Getting up with my trenchcoat in one arm, I gave my money to the cashier and left the café.  
  
The door closed behind me and I looked up to the pouring rain. "If I can't have you."  
  
As I walked in the rain, the water immersed me in my own tears. I was soaked all over, but I was as happy as any madman walking through the quiet Tokyo I had become accustomed in the dead of night. Even in a sea of flooding water.  
  
I love you to the point of insanity, intoxicated by my memories and thoughts of my past and future. I laughed aloud, "I know you do too, Seishirou."  
  
If I can't have you.  
  
I never could answer that when you were with me years ago, Seishirou. I still can't answer it.  
  
I'm still trying to find out.  
  
A single sakura petal fell into my palm splattered with rain. I smiled to myself even harder.  
  
I know you haven't found the answer either.  
  
I looked up to the shadow that had formed around my body as it jumped away.  
  
"Because if you did, you wouldn't always search for me."  
  
--  
  
Author's note: * sniff, sniff * This song is so perfect for them. I heard many today, but I remembered someone with this song and thought this was the best one.  
  
This is dedicated to you.even if you'll never read it. 


End file.
